Euro Trippin'

Ah, Europe... Land of the Free, Home of the Brave.  I just got back from one of the motherlands (the other one being Laos), and it was a trip!  Meeting up with my family, we started in Paris, drove around half of Switzerland, and ended in Geneva.

Dulles airport at midnight makes me want to kill zombies.

 What better way to start a European vacation than by missing your 10 p.m. international flight?  Well that's exactly what I did!  Cloudy weather in SFO delayed my first flight, causing me and a few other unhappy passengers to miss our connecting flight to Paris.  Compared to France, waiting in line at the Dulles United Airlines customer service desk at midnight isn't as fun.  The next flight at 5 a.m. was already full, so we were bumped to the flight after that... taking off an entire 24 hours later than my original one.  And I didn't have access to my checked bag for the night because this was the first connecting flight in history that people have ever missed, so there was no way United could be prepared for this kind of situation.  Oh well, at least they gave me a free night at Holiday Inn and a meal voucher!  Just kidding, they didn't give me shit because the delay was "due to weather and not our fault, chump."

 After leisurely waking up late and putting on the exact same outfit, I decided to go to Dulles airport and check in 9 HOURS EARLY.  It's a good thing I did, because the couple in line in front of me were taking a bit of time to check in.  It turns out they were checking in at the WRONG AIRPORT.  Really?  Is that common?  Some people just don't know how to fly.  Well, at least I caught the flight this time.  On the way to Paris (somewhere above Rhode Island) I met my cabin-mate Vicky, a geophysicist from Argentina living in Houston.  Of all the people on the flight, what are the chances she was going to Paris also?  Weird!  After landing at Charles de Gaulle airport, I exchanged my real cash for Monopoly Money and went downtown to...

Inside the Pantheon, which is like Napoleon's Tomb, which is like the Vatican, which is like every church-themed building from the era: floorplan in the shape of a cross, with a crypt in the basement. 16th Century hipsters would have hated it..

 PARIS!  Finally, after two long flights I landed around noon.  Instead of catching a cab or shuttle, I decided to try my luck as the locals do, by using the maze of public transportation.  Vicky and I took the train to downtown Paris, parted ways at different stops, and I met up with my family at our hotel.  It was some European hotel chain I hadn't heard of before.  I think the name was "Best Western."  It was definitely not an American chain, because the elevator could only hold about 0.6 Americans.  By the way, I think all French people are programmers because their elevators start on floor 0 and underground floors are negative.  So my sixth floor room was actually on the seventh floor.  While not huge, at least my room had a balcony with French doors LOL.  I didn't have much time to enjoy it though, as I was running 24 hours late and we had a whole city to explore!  Our first stop was the Pantheon, a monument in Paris's Latin Quarter originally built as a church.  Sometime in the past, it was converted to a bank, only accepting deposits.  From tourists.  Like many churches in Europe, its basement is a masoleum for the remains of distinguished citizens such as Voltaire and the philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau.  After the Pantheon, we walked around the Latin quarter, browsed-but-didn't-buy-anything in random shops, and had crepes outside at a nice cafe. My brother also ordered a 6-dollar lemonade, but he's a sucker because he didn't know that French lemonade is just Sprite.  After our totally expensive and totally tasty snacks, we headed across the street to the Luxembourg Gardens.  The Luxembourg Gardens is the second largest public park in Paris and is basically the backyard of the French Senate, housed in Luxembourg Palace.  Unlike parks in the States that have stationary benches, the Gardens and other parks we visited had hundreds of lightweight metal lawn chairs.  No beds for bums, and you can move and arrange seating anywhere in the park.  Just brilliant!  It's also really pretty and romantic when it rains, as it did when we were there.  Nearly 100% rain coverage is provided by all the huge trees on the property, giving shelter to the Parisian lovers that were making out in the rain.  After we had our fill of tourism and French kissing for the day, we headed back to our authentic French hotel.   Along the way, we stopped in at a local grocery store to pick up some wine and cheese and also laugh at food packaging, which is always either hilarious or shocking to a foreigner.

 My next day in Paris, we took the train out to Versailles.  Thinking we would beat the tourist rush, we headed out early, only to be caught up in the commuter rush instead.   Dozens of sexy Parisian business folk crammed into our train car, and like commuters in every city, all got off at the same stop.   Fortunately our stop was the last (about 20km outside of Paris), so we had plenty of time to have a more relaxing ride.  The first thing you notice about the Palace of Versailles is how HUGE it is.  Like stupid ostentatious.  While the rest of the country spiraled into the French Revolution because of rising food prices, an inadequate transportation system, and effective bankruptcy due to the cost of previous wars, the Royal Family lived it up MTV Cribs style.  Ultimately the people got pissed, King Louis XVI and his wifey Marie Antoinette got beheaded, and their old house got turned into a huge money-making tourist attraction.  Even bigger than the palace itself are the gardens... it took us half a day to cover just a small portion of the entire property.  After Versailles, we headed back to Paris to check out the Arc de Triomphe.  Honoring those who fought and died for France, the Arc de Triomphe stands as one of the most famous monuments in Paris.  Climbing to the top gives a nearly unobstructed view of the city.  Except for some huge metal radio tower breaking up the landscape, the view is perfect.  One side looks down the Champs-Elysees towards the Louvre, and the opposite side appears to look towards the business district of Paris where all the real money is made (not tourist dollars).  After a long day of walking, we headed back to the hotel around sunset... which happened at 10:30!

Notre Dame as seen from our lunch table. Not pictured: the long line of visitors waiting to climb the tower.

 The next morning we dropped by a local park cafe for breakfast.  I had coffee, some OJ, and a "croissant," which is basically a ripoff of the Pillsbury Crescent rolls we have in the States.  The French make them MUCH better though, almost like they've been making them for generations.  Of course Parisians do everything in style, and even the short-back table chairs had a great French touch.  As I was taking a picture of the cafe, a dumbwaiter started rising out of the floor all James Bond-like.  We totally didn't know what the hell was happening at first.  After leaving our parents at the cafe, my brother, his wife and I headed out for another full day of sight-seeing, calorie-burning, and line-waiting-in.  The first stop was the underground Catacombs of Paris, a relatively small ossuary that houses the remains of 6 MILLION people.  I bet all those people never imagined they'd become a level appearing in such video games as Deus Ex, The Saboteur, and Medal of Honor:Underground (thanks Wikipedia).  I'm a grown-ass man, but if it weren't for the other tourists in the Catacombs with us, I probably would've shit my pants.  It's downright creepy in there.  We hurried through the Catacombs so we could meet up with some friends at Notre Dame.  At Notre Dame, we met up with Vicky and Tom, a friend my brother had worked with.  After another expensive tourist lunch at the base of Notre Dame, we headed inside to see what all the hype was about.  Sure enough, Notre Dame is gorgeous.  From the French Gothic architecture on the outside to the baller carpeted columns inside, Notre Dame is a work of art.  Not only that, there's some serious history there.  Under the square in front of Notre Dame is one of the largest archaeological crypts in Europe.  There are remains of old Roman ramparts, medieval cellars, and other finds from the Gallo-Roman period.  It's pretty humbling to realize that people have inhabited that area along the Seine river since the early Paleolithic period, around 500,000 years ago.  By the time we were done with Notre Dame, it was time to do nothing for a change.  Vicky and I grabbed drinks at another cafe and people-watched while the rest of our gang went to see the Sainte-Chappelle.  I was tired and had my fill of churches by then so I don't think I missed much.  After drinks, we all reunited and walked down the Seine towards the mother of art museums, The Louvre.  Like Versailles, the Louvre is huge, consisting of hundreds of rooms displaying 35,000 works of art.  We walked through it for a couple of hours, but even then I never got a chance to view a single painting for more than a few seconds.  And we probably only walked through about 20% of the entire museum.  I did hang out near the Mona Lisa for a bit.  She's kind of like a Rolls Royce... not exactly beautiful or that impressive, but you have to respect it because of the aura.  And sadly, I couldn't find any paintings of Joseph Ducreux.  At 9 pm we closed down the Louvre and headed over to the Eiffel Tower.  The sun was starting to set, and the contrast of the Tower's orange lights against the blue sky was stunning.  All across the park grounds, people were having picnics and popping champagne bottles.  For our last night in Paris, this was a perfect ending.  And they do that shit every night.  I could have easily gotten used to it, except we had another whole country to see.

The Jet d'Eau in Lake Geneva, where water leaves the nozzle at 124 mph to reach a height of 459 feet. There's a dirty joke in there somewhere...

 Our parting day in Paris started early, leaving the hotel at sunrise for the train station.  There was a dance club near the hotel, and as we were riding the cab to the train station we saw tons of late-night revelers leaving the club.  At 5:30 a.m.  On a weekday.  Those crazy kids!  We were scheduled on a 7 a.m. high speed train (TGV) to Geneva, arriving there around 10.  Riding on a bullet train is a blast... such a smooth ride even at speeds up to 355 mph.  One entire train car even had a cafe with tasty French pastries and better views of the blurry landscape.  Not only that, in its 30-year operation, the TGV system has never experienced a fatal accident.  WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS IN THE STATES?  Upon arriving in Geneva, we immediately rented a car to hold our luggage and started walking around the city.  If you don't know much about Switzerland, there's only one word to describe it: classy as shit.  Everything is clean, Ferraris are ubiquitous, the Swiss are very respectful, and even graffiti artists don't vandalize valuable walls.  It's almost like what I imagine Japan to be.  And unlike the French, they don't look down on you for speaking English.  There was a Music Festival happening throughout the city while we were there, and as displays there were pianos set up at random places.  I found one overlooking Lake Geneva and sat down to strum a few keys.  If only I knew how to play... I could've sat there for hours.  We left Geneva shortly after that for a drive towards the Matterhorn, stopping for the night in the random town of Sion.

 The next morning we took off for Zermatt.  From its peak at Gornergrat, you can see Gorner Glacier and the Matterhorn, probably most notable from the Toblerone logo.  Zermatt itself is a pretty standard town, except it's a combustion-engine car-free zone.  Nearly all vehicles are battery driven to avoid air pollution.  Visitors can reach Zermatt by taking the train, and the peak at Gornergrat can be reached by cog railway, which is like the system used to pull roller coasters up their initial hill.   All the steep railway ascents in the Alps use this system.  For everything else, there's the winding web of Swiss roads.  We drove our trusty Opel Insignia wagon to Furka Pass, home of the Rhone Glacier.  I had been there over 20 years earlier and remember pictures of little Panya standing next to towering walls of ice.  Now they're all gone.  Hotel Belvedere, once surrounded by a huge glacier, had long been closed and boarded up.  The souvenir shop was still open, but served more as a rest stop with a scenic view than an actual destination.  It was pretty eerie, driving past ghost houses once alive with tourism.  We decided to get the hell out of there for the night and back to the party in Lucerne.

Bern, where bears live among men and rainbows get doubled.

 Unlike the Rhone Glacier area, Lucerne is packed with visitors... and rightfully so.  It has a bit of everything Switzerland has to offer, from $100,000 wrist watches to priceless lake scenery.  Our stay here wasn't long, but we had plenty of time to explore the city and enjoy fondue.  I knew Lucerne was great because I had been there a few years earlier, but our next stop, Bern, was different.  I had never been to the capital of Switzerland before, but I was amazed by Bern immediately.  Bern is ranked among the world's top ten cities for the best quality of life and I can see why.  It epitomizes Switzerland.  It was quiet, I felt perfectly safe, and the scenery was pristine.  They also have a damn bear pit, a tradition that goes back 500 years.   The original pit, created in 1764, was replaced by a much better bear park a few years ago.  Those lucky dudes have water-front property, and they can catch fresh fish from the river.  Even the bears live it up in Bern.  You know what else I saw after it rained?  A double rainbow.

 Our fourth day in Switzerland started at a family friend's house with breakfast.  A friend that had a bomb shelter in her basement.  Swiss building codes require radiation or blast shelters to protect against bombing.  Everyone either pays a tax to support these shelters, or owns one in their own house.  I don't think Switzerland is in danger of being bombed, so most people just use their personal shelters for storage.  If I had one I would rent it out to visiting tourists as a Bunker & Breakfast.  Along our drive back to Geneva, we stopped at Gruyere castle, which houses... the H.R. Giger Museum?  Yep, the Swiss-born designer of the alien from the Alien movies has a gallery there.  And there's also a cheese factory, but that didn't sound too exciting after seeing Giger furniture and pornographic sketches.  A few mountain roads later, we found ourselves at another castle, Chateau de Chillon.  As the most scenic castle I saw, and listed as Switzerland's most visited historic monument, Chateau de Chillon stands on the edge of Lake Geneva just east of Lausanne.  Lausanne itself reminded me of Monaco, both from its architecture and coastal weather.  It also reminded me a bit of San Francisco from the bums.

 For our last full day in Switzerland, I took it pretty easy.  My parents and I walked around Lausanne's downtown area, while my brother and his wife went to see the Olympic Museum.  For once I had nothing to see or do, and it felt great.  We eventually left the city just before lunch, had a rest-stop picnic, and dropped by our (very old) stomping grounds in Le Vaud.  In the commuter village of Le Vaud, just outside of Geneva, my great-grandparents had a hillside chalet when I was growing up.  Revisiting it more than two decades later was a hazy trip down memory lane.  The general area felt the same, but there were many more houses.  The chalet itself was sold by my parents a few years ago and there are only a few original neighbors left.  Our last night in Switzerland was pretty uneventful.  We had rooms at a hotel near the airport and a pretty average Geneva mall.  To start our transition back to the States, my brother and I grabbed a couple of "value" meals at the mall McDonald's.

 What better way to end a European vacation than by missing your flight home?  Well we didn't, but my connecting flight out of Dulles was delayed a few hours due to weather again.  On the plus side, the pilot invited people up to check out the cockpit while we were waiting on the tarmac.  The crazy part?  The pilot telling me, "all this fancy technology, and I get the most useful weather info from my iPhone."  Did I mention those sweet high-speed rail systems already?  Six hours later, I finally landed back at SFO just before midnight.  On my way out of the terminal, I could see another long line of unhappy passengers forming at the United Airlines customer service desk.